Have you ever noticed how easily we judge ourselves? How when we are learning something new, especially as mothers, we are so quick to criticise ourselves and how we are going?
But, what if we were kind to ourselves? Learning takes time. What if we realised that we all make mistakes and that’s okay? What if we spent each day treating ourselves the same way we want our children to treat themselves. By being kind and caring to ourselves.
Things take time to learn as a new mother, and even as a not-so-new mother. We are often doing such hard work, drawing lines about how we want to parent differently than how we were parented ourselves, or how we might be doing things differently to other parents around us. Take the time to become who you need to, take the space to get it wrong sometimes, and go gently. We deserve it.
Your birth matters, but your hopes for your birth matter too. The planning, the preparation, the research you’ve done, all of it has been so important as you’ve unfolded your desires, moved through your fears, envisioned the way you will welcome your babe.
If the twists and turns of your birth brought you to a place you didn’t want to be, your feelings about that matter, just as your love for your baby matters and all the hopes, plans and preparation you did still matters so much.
Every little bit of work you did made a difference. Trust you did your best, trust you are wise and go gently on yourself as you mother your new babe. You matter.
Have you just found out you’re pregnant, but every time you think about birthing this baby your heart sinks?
Are you excited about the pregnancy, but terrified about giving birth?
If your previous birth was difficult or traumatic – and probably still fresh in your mind like it was yesterday – it isn’t uncommon to feel this way. Many women feel frightened about birthing again after a difficult experience. You might have so many questions: Will it be like last time? Should I just do the same thing again, with the same care-provider, and hope it will be better?
Or do I want something different?
Perhaps you push those thoughts away altogether because it is simply too frightening and overwhelming to contemplate. Maybe you haven’t even given yourself the space to think about your previous birth, because you’ve been urged so many times to be grateful for your baby.
The majority of women I work with have previously had unwelcome birth outcomes or traumatic experiences. They come to me because they decide that this time, they want something different. They want to discuss and understand what happened in their previous birth. For this pregnancy, they have chosen to seek knowledge, confidence and loving support. They want someone who understands that they both love their baby and feel disappointed about their birth. They want to know that if they ever feel like giving up, there will be someone there for them, reminding them they are worth it.
During your pregnancy, preparation and clarity takes work – but it isn’t work you have to do alone. It is done over time, and through conversations and sharing, questions and discussion, your understanding of your last birth and your desires and plans for your next one unfold naturally.
firstname.lastname@example.orgSo what might it feel like, to have a positive birth experience next time? Well, there’s no one right way; it is different for each woman. But one thing that is true of any woman who feels great about her birth is that she always felt that the choices were hers to make, no matter what happened – and that she was respected and believed in at all times. But not only that – by the end of her pregnancy, she also trusted and felt confident in her body:
“You helped me find healing around my previous experience, and a deep, intuitive level of trust in my own body and my baby to birth … you supported me to find my own strength so that I was never too afraid to go on.” – Heather
“It was from this position of knowledge, strength and determination that we were able to gently, calmly and beautifully bring our second born into our lives; a moment that we will treasure forever.” – Kay
When you tell me the story of your previous birth, I will listen. If you felt unsupported or scared, I believe you. When you want to know what options are available for you this time, I will talk about them with you. And if you are worried or afraid, I will comfort and support you.
If you have had a previously difficult birth and are pregnant again, and are ready to take the first step towards a better birth, get in touch and let’s talk about it.
So, you’ve heard about a doula, and you’ve started to get a fair idea of what a doula can do for you during your pregnancy and birth. (If you still haven’t heard, then check out this article by BellyBelly). But beyond the statistics, the studies, and the ‘empowerment’, what can you really expect from doula support?
I’ve often seen it suggested that having a doula means a woman must have – or must desire – a natural birth. This is not true. There is also an idea that doulas might provide ‘protection’ in the birthing room – bringing to mind someone who speaks on a woman’s behalf, leaping between a labouring woman and a care-provider. This, also, is definitely not the case. (Although a doula might quietly pad from the room to make you a cup of tea.)
At its heart, doula support aims to provide what every woman and family wants: a feeling of emotional safety. To feel nurtured, comfortable, validated, and respected – and for birth to be as satisfying and positive as possible. And these things – safety, comfort, respect – don’t necessarily hinge upon how a woman gives birth, but in what emotional circumstances. If a woman approaches labour understanding the process, feeling confidently informed, and being supported and comfortable in making her own decisions – that is what can help foster a positive birth experience.
We could certainly say that it’s common that women who choose a doula are more likely to consider a physiological birth important. For instance, women with doulas do less frequently choose to utilise epidural anaesthesia. This is not, however, due to the presence of a doula, but as a result of the work a woman does with a doula. During pregnancy, a doula works with a woman to unpack her fears, identify her own unique needs, understand the latest evidence and information, and make ongoing decisions that support those needs. It could be said, then, that a woman who feels supported and informed is more confident about her body’s innate ability to provide the necessary hormones to cope with labour.
One of the first questions I ask a client is, What do you want? How would you like to birth? Because often, pregnant woman aren’t made to feel allowed to want anything. A doula provides a safe space for a woman and her family to consider this most important question: ‘What do I want? And what steps can I take to best align with that?’
Working together to identify a woman’s individual needs and wishes often means exploring what influences those needs. What fears are affecting your choices? What stories about childbirth, myths about the way a woman’s body works (or doesn’t!), or pressures are shaping your decisions? So often, women and their families believe many routine birthing procedures are necessary – even critical – despite much evidence (as well as many, many women birthing just fine without them) showing otherwise.
When learning about what you want, a doula can also help you consider how effective communication in pregnancy can help identify the right care-provider for you, and find a place of birth that is most in keeping with your needs.
This is the kind of experience on which a doula will walk with you.
A doula can help you understand how your decisions can impact birth. She will help you understand how choices can be made that may help, or hinder, your desires for your own labour and birth. For example, let’s consider a woman who, when asked, ‘What do you want?’ has realised she would like to avoid unnecessary induction. In this case, during pregnancy, this woman might gain confidence by learning about the natural variations in the true ‘length’ of pregnancy, providing her with less anxiety around ‘due dates’. She might enjoy learning about how spontaneous labour comes about, and how she can advocate for herself with well-meaning but impatient family or friends in the last days of pregnancy. She may also find it helpful to understand her birth place’s policies around induction, and how to chat with a care-provider about them.
This is just a small example of the kind of information and exploration a doula can guide you through. (And also, your doula can be the one safe space at the end of your pregnancy where you can lament how uncomfortable you are, how long it seems, that you may be pregnant forever, and receive warm words and no suggestion of needing to do anything.)
Every woman (and family) is different. Every woman has her own differing values, beliefs and needs. Helping you figure out what you want – and putting in place plans that most align with achieving that – is the basis of good doula support. A doula works with you, as your unconditional emotional support.
Through birth planning, contingency planning, and talking about what might be helpful if things don’t go to plan, women and their families are able to ‘hold the reins’ for themselves. They become knowledgeable, feel confident and safe, and this allows women – even in an event as unpredictable as birth – to feel reassured and more in control.
As a doula, my work with women is not about what I want or think. I am merely a vehicle for a woman’s own self-discovery. I guide and witness as she finds out what is important to her, as she discovers her own voice to advocate for herself and, often times, as she navigates a system that can be difficult to be heard in.
To feel assured, calm and listened to at this pivotal time in life is what all women deserve. It never fails to amaze me when I see the absolute strength of a well-supported woman as she prepares for her birth.
Click here to find out about support for your pregnancy and birth .
Learning to breastfeed a newborn can feel like the most difficult task in the world. When you're sleep deprived, with sore nipples, aching or traumatised by birth and have a crying baby in a world that erects breastfeeding hurdles in front of you faster than we can say, 'where's the Lansinoh?', breastfeeding can seem like an insurmountable task. Our less-than-optimal breastfeeding rates are illustration to that.
But once you get past the newborn bit, everything aches a bit less and things begin to click into place. You're off and running. Hooray!
And then the baby grows into a toddler. You notice the baby that once nursed curled in your arms now sprawls bodily across the couch.
Suddenly, you find yourself dealing with breastfeeding annoyances not encountered before. A two-year-old that insists on carrying out a dental exam whilst breastfeeding, fingers worming insistently into your mouth. Pinching or scratching at your neck, throat, other breast. An eighteen-month-old who simply won't breastfeed without fiddling with the other nipple. A three-year-old who wants to stand up and breastfeed, or roll around on the couch whilst latched to your boob in a kind of unstoppable breastfeeding gymnastics. A toddler whose voracious appetite to nurse rivals that of any eager newborn, constantly demanding a 'boobie' every time Mama looks even sideways at a chair.
And when you try and gently put a stop to any of it, or even dare saying 'not right now' to the umpteenth breast request that morning, you're met with deafening, rage-filled tantrums.
Enough! You find yourself screaming inwardly. Just get off me!
Without a doubt, the most common complaint from a mother breastfeeding a toddler are those above. Pinching, wriggling, constant, constant boobing, and just not taking 'no' for an answer.
But the minute we bemoan our boobalicious toddler, all we tend to hear is 'why don't you just wean her'? Or, 'you wanted to breastfeed – now you'll never stop.'
So you put up with it. And put up with it. Until one day, you never want to see that child ever again and you decide that breastfeeding is the single most horrendous thing you've ever done in your entire life. You worry that everything they warned you about as an infant has come true—did attending to your infant's every need really spoil this child?
While it's important to lovingly, promptly attend to an infant's needs to teach them that the world is a safe, loving place and that they are worthy of love and comfort, a toddler needs to learn a new kind of compassionate worldly lesson: boundaries.
Firstly, let me begin by saying it's completely normal for a toddler to want to breastfeed all the time. A toddler is going through immense physical and neurological growth as they are driven to move, explore, experience and conquer new sensory and motor challenges. Breastfeeding provides comfort, normalcy, and nutrients to get through this. While their understanding of the world grows at a rapid rate around them, Mama's breast stays the same – warm, loving, comforting, relaxing. Who wouldn't want that to return to every five minutes? (Conversely, it's also normal for a toddler to suddenly seem uninterested in breastfeeding for enormous chunks of the day, or even days at a time. Relax – this is normal, too, and will pass. But that's a topic for another day.)
Toddlers are driven to seek out boundaries, and to test what happens when they are pushed. Testing limits is a way to ascertain the parameters of social interaction. Humans are social animals, and our young are driven to fit with the herd – just as we are. They need to know how to behave, what is acceptable, and what isn't.
So we need to gently, firmly show them our boundaries. What is and is not okay with us.
Moreover, toddlers are inherent narcissists. Empathy doesn't develop until somewhere around their fourth year, so they simply cannot understand why they cannot have everything they want, and right now. So whilst it is unrealistic to expect a toddler to comply unquestioningly with your request to stop tweaking your goddamn nipple, it is additionally unfair (on both of you!) to simply put up with it when you hate it so much it makes you want to scream.
Welcome to the world of parenting a toddler, where the loving, firm assertion of boundaries is one of the most common things you will do all day. Over and over again. And often, to the ear-splitting tune of shrieks of rage.
It's okay to say no. It's important to say no. But do it with compassion.
Let's say you sit down to breastfeed your toddler. He goes to grapple with your other breast. Gently, you move his hand away and say 'Hands off. I don't like that.'.
He goes for the breast again, more insistently. Gently, firmly, you take his hand away and say 'No. I don't like that.'
Perhaps he gets cross. Perhaps he fusses, or screams, or gets angry.
It is perfectly okay to sit with him through any outburst, to acknowledge and even help him verabalise his feelings – but remain firm that the other breast is out of bounds.
He might scream and rage and tantrum for a few minutes, or maybe longer. Maybe a lot longer. Remember, he's learning to deal with overwhelming feelings, and strong emotions need an outlet. That's what you're there for – a safe space to let out his feelings. Even if you're the cause of those feelings!
Perhaps this happens many times a day (and night) for many days (and nights) until your toddler eventually gets the message: Mummy doesn't like me tweaking her other nipple. But he will get the message, eventually. I promise!
Or, let’s say your toddler asks you for a breastfeed that you're just not in the mood to give. Here's the big difference between breastfeeding a newborn and breastfeeding a toddler – while a newborn simply cannot wait for mama's breast, a toddler can – despite the fact they'll act like they can't!
Try and say 'yes' – but make it when you're ready. Perhaps, 'yes, when I've finished what I'm doing.' Or 'yes, before lunch.' Or 'yes, before bed tonight.'
Providing a safe, compassionate outlet for your toddler’s big emotions teaches him the skills to manage and handle those big emotions as he grows. Just as you comforted your baby when he cried – now you comfort your toddler.
Open, honest communication – owning our feelings – teaches children how to do so themselves. It shows them how to respect others’ feelings, too. And this is key: here, we are demonstrating a vital lesson to our children: respecting bodily autonomy. Our own, and that of others.
There really is no quick-fix 'way' to guide a toddler in this regard. It's inevitable that if we say 'not right now' to a breastfeed if we're not feeling like it, they might (or very likely will) have a lot of noisy things to say about it.
But as a mother of a now 9-year-old and 7-year-old – both of whom breastfed beyond their fourth year – I can tell you it does and will pass. And the result is a mutually satisfying, evolving and respectful breastfeeding relationship.
A tantrum over a breastfeed can feel incredibly confronting for a mother. Make sure your own needs are met – you need and deserve loving support from your partner, family, and friends.
In fact, allow me to tell you – this thing you're doing? Awesome. You're doing a beautiful thing.
(This is an updated version of an article first appearing on The Little Leaf blog. Reproduced with permission of the author.)
Click here to find out about breastfeeding support and education.
Did you know that the biggest reason for having a baby via caesarean, is having had a previous caesarean? And did you know after having had a caesarean, only about 15% of women will go on to have a vaginal birth for their next baby?
Because of these high rates of surgical birth, it can be easy to assume that repeat caesareans must be necessary and safe. And for some women, this will be the case. Some – but not all.
Attention is being drawn to rising caesarean rates. While the World Health Organization recently stated that caesarean rates over 10% are not associated with reductions in maternal and newborn mortality rates, countries such as Australia and the United States have some of the highest rates of surgical birth in the world. In Australia, more than one in three births now happen via caesarean, at 33% of all deliveries.
But what does this mean for an individual woman?
Sometimes, women find it isn’t as simple as a choice between a repeat caesarean, or a vaginal birth. If it was, we wouldn’t have a vaginal birth after caesarean (VBAC) rate of only 15%.
I spoke to Ana, who gave birth to her third baby after two prior caesareans. Of her second caesarean, Ana explained, “After being disappointed when my first birth ended in a caesarean, in my second pregnancy I sought a care-provider who would support my plan to have a VBAC. Although this care-provider offered one-to-one care, they didn’t listen to my needs or wants, and spent the entire time convincing me that my only option was a scheduled repeat caesarean.”
Pregnancy and birth is a time of personally nuanced and complex feelings and needs. Yet planning for a birth after caesarean, however, can also often feel like an exercise in statistics. Risks of this, chances of that, a certain-times increase or decrease in something else. It can be confusing to make sense of the presented statistics and to work out how they can inform your decision making.
Often, women might feel talked at, rather than listened to. She might feel differently to her partner, or her friends or family. She might have one care-provider tell her one thing, only to have a different care-provider tell her something else. She may also find that her feelings change as her pregnancy goes on, and she may wish to make different decisions or change her plans. It can be of enormous benefit to a women to learn to communicate her own desires and needs to those who will be supporting her – for instance her partner, and her maternity care-providers.
When planning a birth after a caesarean, it can be helpful for women to remember that their choices are individual, and that risk analysis is subjective. What feels like a risk for one may not feel so for another. What is important to one woman, may not be for someone else. Consider, for instance, a woman who may have previous birth trauma centred around not being given enough time during labour, and feeling coerced into interventions. It may be vitally important to her that this does not happen again, that for her next birth, she feels supported to labour uninterrupted and without pressure. Yet another woman may have felt alone or out of control in her previous birth, and for her next birth she needs strong, consistent support and explanation from care-providers at all times.
As Ana went on to tell me, “It wasn’t until I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with my third child that feelings from the previous experiences surfaced … this time I would not settle for a care-provider or any model of care that did not put my needs as the highest priority. So I went on a mission to find support for my plan for a physiological and natural birth after two caesareans. This was not readily available. I quickly concluded that I would need to develop my own team, made up of personal support for myself and my husband … My doula offered us unbiased information when exploring our needs for this birth. I also sought a care-provider who respected our decisions, as well as independent birth education to provide us with useful information and tools that raised our confidence in preparation for the labour and birth. Finally we worked on restoring our belief that women’s bodies are designed to birth, that my body could birth this baby physiologically and naturally. Anyone in our social network who offered a different opinion was reminded to keep that to themselves.”
Even though a wealth of evidence demonstrates that birthing after caesarean carries minimal extra risk, women may choose not to consider a VBAC for many reasons: fear (of pain, of complications, of birth itself), care-provider preference or policy, lack of support from family, or feelings about risk.
A planned repeat caesarean will be right for some women, and a planned VBAC a must for others. Each woman’s needs, choices and situations are different and unique. The important point is that every woman deserves to make birth choices with all the information, and with the full support of those around her.
Ana’s story demonstrates this importance, as she finishes, “I am proud to say that this preparation and determination is what made the difference in our third birth. I birthed my third baby – my biggest baby, and my longest labour – naturally as planned.”
Before I began to work with pregnant and birthing women, I trained as a post-partum doula. Supporting new parents in the often confusing early weeks with an infant was something I felt compelled to do.
This was because, after my own child was born, I had experienced how imperative the right support was to my mothering journey. When my baby was young, I was fortunate to be surrounded by a community that helped me understand normal infant behaviour. Meeting a baby’s needs was modelled to me, and this was my normal.
When I was around other people who had babies, or in online groups, I began to notice that many parents were faced with a constant barrage of ‘you’re doing it wrong’. Women were told that if they met their baby’s needs – for instance, keeping baby close, or feeding whenever baby indicated – that they were making terrible mistakes. I saw women filled with doubt and fear.
Comparing the confidence I felt to the distrust so many other women felt made me realise: support matters. Learning what is normal behaviour for a human infant matters. Not only for the baby – but most fundamentally, for the mother.
In our society, we are not often made aware of the wide range of normal infant behaviour. In the noisy world of opinion, I have been lucky to support countless women through that experience of the first months, helping them find their own mothering strength.
‘As a new mum you don't know what to expect. Your baby doesn't come with a manual.’ Clancy said, when her first baby was born. ‘Leisa was one of the few who encouraged and supported me to follow my intuition. Friends and family, while well intentioned, often offered advice that didn't feel right for me … Good support lifted my spirits and encouraged me to keep going, to follow my own philosophies and feelings.’
‘I was bombarded with opinions - in particular sleep and how to not ‘spoil’ my baby,’ said Jenny. ‘I began to feel overwhelmed. I purposely changed the way I interacted with my infant in the presence of others. After feeling deflated and exhausted, I was finally given the advice to follow my instincts. This support fuelled my desire to parent the way that I felt was right in meeting the needs of my baby.’
Babies – and their parents and family situations – are all different. There is rarely one ‘technique’ that will work for all. Yet, one thing that does work, is a parent feeling assured to listen to their instincts. There are plenty of ideas that can help women get through those early weeks and months with a new baby, whilst also meeting their own needs. For instance, one of the greatest investments I made in the early days was a good carrier. I realised I could carry my baby inside the house, as well as outside. This gave me the freedom to go about my normal day – meeting my needs – and still hold my baby – meeting hers.
It is important that women keep their own cup of nurturance full, too. Many women enjoy learning that it is possible to look after themselves whilst also responding to their baby – with neither mother nor baby having to go without. Even in that tiring newborn stage, a mother can be filled with confidence. A baby’s earliest experiences can be that of responsiveness and love, and yet new parents can still feel encouraged and sustained.
All new families deserve that kind of support.
* a version of this article first appeared in the Darwin Homebirth Group newsletter in 2017